Currently Reading Love, Stargirl By Jerry Spinelli see related

i keep filling myself with things

hoping that one day i'll be able to wake up

and not feel empty

things that should make a girl happy

a smart girl

life is going these days. i find myself listening to way too much country music, worrying too much, crying too much, and putting ironic on endless repeat. it's amazing amidst all that craziness, i am still a happy girl

so i'm pretty convinced that God has placed people in my life whether it be a random person making me smile for just a brief second in time or my friends who are always there to make me laugh in the face of presumably unlaughable situations

i was leaving work the other day and an old man called after me, "well aren't you just the finest thing i've seen all day" as i turned around he had this giant grin on his face and winked at me saying, "i'm up for adoption if you want me. i promise i won't bite"

...i love old people. but sometimes they're just down right creepy. old people seem to have all the confidence in the world though. confidence to be brave enough to tell us our shirts are too low, or our music is too loud, or that they want us to adopt them

i just wish i had that unrelenting confidence to do what needs to be done or say what needs to be said. forever. so that there would never be anything in my life that i would ever look back on and say...if only

if only.

maybe their confidence goes hand in hand with their age. maybe they realized one morning as they woke up to their aching limbs and graying hair that there's not enough time in the world for regret...so there's no need for it to waste the precious time they have

at least i was able to realize this before my hair started falling out :)

Currently Listening Acoustic Soul - Special Edition By India.Arie see related

do you really think it's possible that a girl can be with a boy who sings her love songs for the rest of her life?

a boy who smiles when she does and he can't help it. a boy who tells her words that are so passionate they might as well have came from shakespeare himself. a boy who holds the world in his heart and wants nothing more than to give it to her.

but i'm determined that it isn't possible. why? because eventually she would probably want to break that damn guitar. eventually the notes would be sour, the music no longer beautiful. eventually the smiles would fade, and the words would bounce off walls falling to the ground making her sick.

every love story has it's ending. every damn book has to end...but in books usually the girl and the boy end up making beautiful babies or starting a life together in cabo. but no...this story is sad, even sick. tarantino might as well have written it. how sad you ask?

I am going to miss you forever.

That's too long. Let's miss tonight. Tomorrow brings it's own longing.

Then I hate tomorrow.

Then love tonight. Love so deeply that the sun will fear to rise.

enough of sad love stories. my stepfather felt the necessity to inform me of the "new thing" stupid kids are doing these days. apparently, you shit in a bottle...put a balloon over it, wait awhile until the balloon expands, then inhale the shit fumes...get's you high for days. lol he said "So next time you kiss a guy and he tastes like shit...maybe you should reconsider." i love my family.

shit fumes aside...i have a $300 phone bill i have to pay, 4 months until my 21st birthday, and about 5 hours of homework i have to get done in the next thirty minutes. life is grand :)

Currently Reading After the Leaves Fall By Nicole Baart see related

to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

to love is to be vulnerable. - c.s. lewis

oh, how foolish i was to proclaim to the world i was giving up on love. i think i might have lied lol even though i am still in pieces, and i am still bitter, it is true that there is a beauty in brokeness.

so break me. i dare you. cause every time i break, i'll come back twice as strong. to have a passion for love is a dangerous dangerous thing. it means that when my heart is broken it is death in life, but only for a time. but there will be one day when it's all right for me, and when that day comes, all the heartbreak, all my tears will be worth it to be the one that he points to when he's with his friends and says "that's her"

love. love. love. that's all i ever talk about. i was driving down the road today and i saw a sign in front of some catholic church saying something about lent. it made me think of this one certain catholic nazi. i put two and two together and decided this is what i have to say about that...

for lent, maybe you should give up being an asshole.

lol but that aside, i'm really not digging feminists right now.

yes i will wake up at the buttcrack of dawn and cook breakfast for my husband. no, i don't mind being a stay at home mom. yes, it is a job. and no, you shouldn't be wearing the pants in the relationship.

Currently Reading Love Walked In By Marisa de los Santos see related

"I'm giving up on love, cause love's given up on me" leave it to miranda lambert to start my day off

I always found myself cracking a smile when I read of Ruth and Boaz, shedding a tear when I watched A Walk to Remember wishing that was me minus the whole cancer thing, getting butterflies in my stomach during the bride and groom's first kiss. Now I can't even go a day without being bitter. i am so damn bitter.

It took me all this time to finally realize that the man of my dreams won't pick me up in a white carriage and we won't drive away one summer night off into the moonlight. I mean, he probably has a beer belly and considers a romantic evening to be watching football and eating pizza rolls in bed.

I wish I would've known this a long time ago. I wish I would've given up a long time ago. I'd still have my heart...cause all I have now are pieces. no one wants pieces

so here I am...damning eros and eating this delicious apple.

Currently Reading Mere Christianity By C. S. Lewis see related

so i have lyme disease

browsing webmd at 3 in the morning, developing a newly found deathly fear of ticks, taking terrible pills that make me feel like i'm giving birth, that's my life these days.

so if you guys can, give me a prayer or two. i'd really appreciate it :)

but on the other hand, watching people's reaction to my stupid tick bite tick as if i were indeed on my deathbed and might quite possibly be, it's made me think about a few things.

like...why do i worry so much? not only about this, but about everything, especially the little things. God has everything under control, even the things that we think are stupid and trivial, but we still have a cow about. lol like getting mad if I "don't have anything to wear" as i throw 20 different outfits on the ground. Or how I get upset cause my car is a junker and on it's last leg, money, friends, work. I can see how people loose years of their life because of worrying too much. It's just not worth it to me anymore.

and happiness. I feel like I have let so many things get in the way. Yeah, I have been happy...but when you worry and don't take time to appreciate things God has given you in life that you don't even realize, it's just not the same. I'm always rushing here and there, doing this and that, when do I get a chance to just breathe? God wants us to be happy, I'm sure of it...but letting life and sin get in the way of that just doesn't cut it for me anymore.

lol so i don't mean to be writing my eulogy or anything...but it's just got me thinking, ya know? Really, I guess my little tick friend has done me some good. Aside from the softball sized death wound he left me, it's not so bad afterall